As we enter the festive season, designed to bring cheer to the dark days of winter, I thought I would share my recipe for the perfect secular Christmas. NOTE: All quantities can be adjusted to taste, and substitutions can be made wherever specific ingredients cannot be located. Enjoy!
Preparation
Begin the festive season by giving clementines with faces drawn on, hand delivered by your family’s designated Santa. Place at least one festive order with Master of Malt. Erect the Nightmare Before Christmas Tree (include erection jokes where necessary). Buy Lindor. Lots of Lindor. Mull your booze, if at all possible.
On 24th December: Make too much eggnog, because the quantities in the recipe are all American and you are a British person who doesn’t measure things in cups. Valiantly attempt to drink said quantity of eggnog, even though it is at least four servings per person. Play card games, including but not limited to: Munchkin, Cards against Humanity, Carcassonne. Make sure the novelty stockings are hanging up ready to be filled with tiny gifts.
Method
Start 25th December with boozy coffee, made by your designated Boozy Coffee Expert. Make sure this is made from Monmouth coffee beans, and not silly pod type things, because that is not allowed (apparently). Open presents at your favoured time and take as long as you need. Don’t forget to playfully argue with others about how they “open their presents too soon/late/fast/slow”, as this only adds to the fun. Make sure you either put all the mess carefully into the bags provided or scatter it wildly across the room, paying particular attention to get some behind the sofa. Argue about this too, if required. Some time around here there needs to be breakfast. This should, of course, be accompanied by more booze – ideally this should be Booze Science, i.e. pouring bubbly and then putting many other drinks into the bubbly to find the best combination. Continue until disapproving looks start to appear.
Progress to the Epic Tasty Noms phase, including but not limited to: Festive meats (anything as long as it isn’t turkey); roast parsnips and carrots with fennel, orange and maple syrup; baconated sprouts. Pour wine (ideally too much). Instagram all the noms before eating (this step is very important). Set fire to Xmas pudding, even though no one at the table has any room for more food. Try in vain to take photographs of said pudding on fire whilst person holding it gets (a) a bit cross, (b) on fire. Try in vain to eat said pudding.
Wait for Doctor Who whilst crossing fingers that high expectations won’t be crushed. Try not to talk over the television and/or be cross that someone is talking over the television. Inevitably be disappointed that Doctor Who wasn’t better. Curl up together, in front of the Christmas tree, joining together in worshiping… the internet (aka ignoring each other whilst poking at phones/tablets/laptops). Later in the evening, tuck into the Epic Cheese Board of Win (with accompanying boozes) and wait for someone to make the inevitable joke about worshipping the baby cheeses. Stay up till stupid o’clock in the morning playing Munchkin and drinking (boozes obviously).
These are my annual yuletide celebrations with my chosen family. You may recognise a few things that are similar to your own festivities, which just goes to show… polyamory is more “normal” than many people realise. Well, whatever normal is.
Poly Means Many: There are many aspects of polyamory. Each month, the PMM bloggers will write about their views on one of them. This is a response post to the December 2014 topic of ‘poly festivities‘. Links to all posts can be found at www.polymeansmany.com.
